The Audacity of An Exit

It is time to leave things that no longer serve you.

Hello ladies, Today we are going to be talking about the exit.

There is a prominent Silicon Valley investor who has a talk about reform vs exit. Imagine you're deeply dissatisfied with something in your country. You have two options: try to change it from within (reform), or leave (exit). Reform can involve lobbying, activism, or political engagement. But exit, while more drastic, holds a unique power. If those in power see people leaving en masse over an issue, it sends a powerful message. It strengthens the voices of those in your new home who share your concerns. The problem is, that women often pour immense energy into reform when the audacious act of exiting might be the truer path to empowerment. In this essay, we are going to talk about wielding the power of an exit.

So, what is an exit?

In the simplest terms, an exit is leaving. It could be your withdrawal from a relationship that no longer serves you. It could also be the rejection of an ideology that undermines your self-prescribed values. It's the audacious choice to leave a situation, community, or even country that doesn't align with your aspirations.

An exit is the greatest form of reform. By choosing not to engage in any situation or system that undermines you, we force them to contend with their inadequacies. We create a vacuum that demands to be filled with something better, something truer, something that honors the full potential of our individuality.

An exit is also a call to action for us. It compels us to use our feminine ingenuity to create something new. It forces us to take inventory of what's required for this new creation. Ready to leave a romance? Now you must figure out how to put yourself out there and reckon with what went wrong in the last one. Ready to leave your job? Now you must craft your resume, market yourself in interviews, and define the kind of work you're willing to commit to. An exit is coming to terms with the impermanence of a friendship, romance, career, or any facet of life that once seemed fixable. An exit is a call to a new adventure!

Women are default reformers

Evolution knew to make women natural reformers because if we exited children the way men do, the human race would be extinct. We are taught from a young age to smooth over rough edges, to mend broken things, to find common ground. We invest our energy in trying to change the world around us, believing that with enough effort and goodwill, we can make it better. This impulse can be a powerful force for good, driving social progress and inspiring change.

Men, on the other hand, often lean towards the exit. Faced with a situation that doesn't serve them, their instinct is often to leave, to seek out a new path where they can thrive. This isn't necessarily a sign of weakness or selfishness; it can be a pragmatic approach to self-preservation and a recognition that sometimes, the best way to create change is to start anew.

The problem is that women invest way too much energy trying to reform things that cannot be fixed. The ability to compromise is wonderful when raising kids, but it is terrible when trying to negotiate sexual or romantic pleasure. Romance, at its core, is a negotiation for intimacy, both emotional and physical. Yet, many women fall into a "girl-brain" pattern of thinking, believing they can either reform their partner or prove themselves worthy of his affection through compliance and self-sacrifice. This approach often, if not always, backfires.

The problem is that life, in all its messy glory, is a constant negotiation. Yet, many women shy away from the bargaining table, hesitant to demand their terms be met. We've been conditioned to prioritize harmony over our own needs, to smooth over conflicts rather than rock the boat. But this aversion to negotiation forces us to betray ourselves for the sake of peace.

Instead of investing all our chips in one basket, hoping that our partners, families, the failing welfare state, the underfunded police departments, or employers will magically meet our needs, it's time we developed a different strategy – an exit strategy. This doesn't mean we're always poised to leave, but rather that we cultivate a sense of self-reliance and agency, knowing we have options if our needs aren't being met.

Perhaps this explains why the "trad wife" trend can feel so worrying. It often lacks an exit strategy, leaving women financially and emotionally dependent on their partners. But what is love, if not a negotiation of mutual respect, shared values, and fulfilling partnership?

Of course, this calculus becomes even more complex for mothers, who often grapple with the fear of disrupting their children's lives. But perhaps the most empowering message we can give these women is this: your children deserve a mother who is happy, fulfilled, and unafraid to advocate for her own needs. A mother who models self-respect and boundaries teaches her children invaluable life lessons about worthiness and the importance of advocating for oneself. If you would not want your daughter to have your relationship, why are you modeling to her?

Actionable Steps to Always Be Able to Exit:

1. Financial Independence: Strive for financial autonomy. Build your savings, invest in your education and career, and create a safety net that allows you to leave a situation if necessary.

2. Emotional Resilience: Develop a strong sense of self-worth and independence. Invest in your emotional well-being, cultivate healthy relationships, and seek support from friends, family, or professionals if needed.

3. Community and Support Systems: Build a strong network of friends, mentors, and allies who can offer guidance, encouragement, and practical assistance if you need to make a change.

4. Know Your Non-Negotiables: Clearly define your values, priorities, and dealbreakers in relationships, work, and life. Don't compromise on the things that are most important to you.

5. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no and establish healthy boundaries in all areas of your life. This will help you protect your energy and avoid getting entangled in situations that don't serve you.

6. Plan for the Unexpected: Have a backup plan in place for different scenarios. This could include saving for a rainy day, having a place to stay if you need to leave a relationship, or exploring alternative career paths.

7. Trust Your Gut: Learn to listen to your intuition. If something feels off or doesn't align with your values, don't ignore those feelings. They may be signaling the need for an exit.

The audacity of the exit is not about abandoning responsibility or running away from challenges. It's about claiming our power, setting healthy boundaries, and refusing to settle for less than we deserve. By cultivating financial independence, emotional resilience, and a strong support system, we can create lives that are truly fulfilling.

Best,
Coffy.

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