Stop Asking Random People On The Internet To Teach You How To Be A Woman!!!
And figure it out for yourself.
The internet is full of scammers, frauds, and sexual deviants.
This phenomenon is particularly evident in the dating sector. You have pick-up artists flaunting their lavish lifestyles to impressionable young men on the internet. The same lifestyle that they acquired from selling courses to those young men. These pick-up artists tell the men what they want to hear and satiate their social isolation by blaming their dating woes on the biological determinism of “female nature.” There are courses out there teaching men how to be “masculine” or “alpha males” LOL. This scammer-dating-coach quagmire is just not restricted to men. There is an entire sector of online content dedicated to teaching women how to be “classy”, “feminine” or “elegant ladies.” Let us examine this sector and see if their advice is relevant for modern women.
In an era when a large portion of women in the developed world can achieve beyond the dreams of their grandmothers, it is bizarre to see women still try to fit into the roles that their grandmothers were forced into. What does it mean to “let a man lead” and how is that “empowering me”? How is sexualizing myself a “feminist act”? Women from both ends of the cultural and political spectrum are trying to sell an updated version of the madonna/whore to younger impressionable women. Of all of the gimmicks being sold, the funniest has to be this “femininity” movement. What the fuck does it mean to be a feminine woman?
According to the English Oxford Dictionary, femininity is “having qualities or an appearance traditionally associated with women, especially delicacy and prettiness.” However, on the internet, “femininity” has taken on a plethora of other definitions ranging from the quasi-spiritual to the downright absurd. So, femininity either means gendered stereotypes for women, or it means anything you want it to be (which means that it means nothing). However, these are some of the recurring themes that I found when I watched these videos:
To be a feminine woman, you have to be able to:
Receive compliments and gifts graciously.
Be polite.
Practice self-care and pampering.
Be empathetic.
Practice hypergamy.
Be able to beautify your homes and your surroundings.
When describing all the perks of being a feminine woman, these “dating coaches” often emphasize how it draws “masculine” men to you. The funniest thing about it all is that these so-called “feminine women” get dogged out by the men all the time. Look at the sex symbols or beauty icons of each generation: Marilyn Monroe, Megan Fox, Grace Kelly, Kim Kardashian. All these women have cycled through multiple marriages to famous, uber-successful men. If femininity was such an irresistible and attractive thing to masculine men, why do these women always end up leaving?
In an attempt to make femininity inclusive of all women, this movement ignores the women in history that made a way for themselves despite the odds. Angela Markel, Joan of Ark, and J.K. Rowling are all very remarkable women, who are not particularly known for their femininity. Are they any less feminine because they are sometimes rude, critical, unabashed, or troublesome? Are these women unfeminine for using their unique skills and talents to self-actualize? In masculinity YouTube channels, pick-up artists tell young men to be competent, confident, assertivefocu and earn money. These "dating coaches" tell these men to go into the world and make it their own. We essentially tell women the opposite.
Why is no one telling women to take responsibility for their life and pursue goals that make this existence more meaningful? I wonder whether the version of femininity preached online considers women like Mary Curie, Jane Austen, or Ruth Bater Ginsberg. All these women are troublemakers, ambitious and determined. In fact, in the case of the Notorious RBG, her intelligence was part of what attracted her husband. Trying to pursue a life of solely pleasure and comfort is akin to the trials of Sisyphus. These people are trying to sell women this imaginary fantasy land where they can “rest in their femininity” with a high-achieving man. No one is telling young women and girls that it is their birthright to present their greatest selves to the world.
Life is full of pestilence, trials, tribulations, and horrors. Even the women used as examples of femininity are VERY, VERY hard-working women. Beyonce’s Coachella routine required efforts similar to those of Hercules. Rihanna is trying to build a beauty album while creating an album for her fans. NONE OF THESE WOMEN ARE RESTING IN THEIR FEMININITY. They cannot even if they wanted to. They need to work to fund their more expensive lifestyles. Also, their work puts food in the mouth of so many people. There is no magic utopia where you will not be required to endure the hardship of mere existence. However, no one is emphasizing a very important quality that women need to have for this ever increasingly different world: COURAGE.
Just because some women cannot aim for things beyond spa days and facials, does not mean that you cannot. As someone who works in tech, I never forget how the men who run the world are regular smegular degular dudes. These same white men that rule the world are the men you would have probably ignored in a dorm party. It hurts to know that an overwhelming majority of women are more intelligent than these men. However, those women are learning FeMInITy from the internet instead of applying themselves, learning skills that people are willing to pay you for, taking actions, and creating a legacy for themselves.
As someone going on my journey to find myself, I know how difficult it can be to create your own rules. I know that people would always seek advice from underqualified people on the internet. So, I will give my underqualified take on what it means to be a “feminine” woman based on the idea of the Hero’s Journey
A feminine woman is a woman who understands that the societal expectations placed on women were meant to keep us distracted and playing small. This feminine woman understands that if she listened to conventional or popular advice on the internet, she would be led to destruction. If conventional advice was so good, why are so many people in miserable relationships?
She decides to listen to her internal compass and venture into the unknown. A feminine woman understands that her one goal in this life is to self-actualize and make a way for herself in her one chance at life.
From her experiences and knowledge, she develops a unique set of values that not only guide her but also improve the lives of those around her.
She does not fall to popular beliefs or ideology. Instead, she looks critically at issues and comes up with independent insight.
She builds a life that allows her to fully express her values whether it be love, creativity, family, freedom, etc.
A feminine woman is competent and confident. She might not be these things currently but is willing to put in the work to become that. She develops skills that allow her to be of greater service to herself and the world around her.
A feminine woman understands that this is her ONE chance at life and chooses to radically make the best use of it. She understands that the world is grateful for her contribution and would be worse without it.
Over time, a feminine woman develops a keen instinct for risk-taking. She learns when to invest, whether it be in stocks, relationships, or friendships. She also knows when to cut her losses and move on.
A feminine woman studies the lives of great women around her and draws from their experiences to mold a better life for herself.
Lastly, a feminine woman continues the legacy of the great women in history that came before her.
If you think that my definition of femininity is asking too much from women. Might it be that you asking too little?
Took it right out of my mouth, Coffy!!! A lot of the advice which I've seen online on how to be a "proper" woman is deeply rooted in the male view of womanhood, which is ultimately to the benefit of males (of course). I see no reason in giving a male the power to dictate what makes me a woman, whether he uses religion or another woman to do so.
As with all things womanly, the answer is complex and difficult. It's up to each of us to forge our own paths.
This gave me goosebumps, I've been thinking and feeling like this for such a long time and you just hit the nail on the head with every single point. This is the very first blog I've ever read that actually made sense to ME, I felt as if you're reading and articulating my thoughts and its so validating to see all of this stuff written into words, and to know there are other people out there who feel the same way. Thank you Coffy.