5 Mindsets That Fail Women!
Are you a "good girl" or waiting for a knight in shining armor?
After much delay, I decided to write about mindsets that women often fall privy to. These are ideas that women believe and apply to their personal life that unintentionally undermine their progress in life.
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Without further ado, these are 10 mindsets that fail women:
Trying To Be “A Good Girl”
From an early age, we socialize young girls into compromising on their boundaries, wishes, and desires in order to be a “good girl”. We do so through nefarious and subtle acts such as suggesting how they style their hair or making them hug/talk to an adult whom they feel uncomfortable around. These actions, as subtle as they may be, gradually erode the little girl’s self-trust and independent decision-making ability. After the girl has compromised on her beliefs, we then bestow her the title of a “good girl”.
So, who is a good girl? She is a child who ignores her inner voice in preference for the opinions of others. She then grows up to become a woman who has an almost insatiable desire to please everyone around her. Not only does this mindset make women ignore their centuries-old survival mechanism, but also known as their intuition, but it also makes it difficult for the women suffering from this affliction to make decisions without the input of others.
The reality is that no one, and I mean NO ONE, has the guide or road map to determine what is best for you. The “good girl” title that was given to you as a child is analogous to a participation trophy in a contest of mass socialization. Women suffering from this affliction should take out the necessary time and rediscover their inner voice. This means not just listening to your thoughts and feelings, but also acting on them. Your inner voice might present itself in an “I want to try ….” or “it would be nice if …” statement. It could present itself in an idea or hobby that you want to take seriously. It could also manifest in a relationship that you want to leave.
Don’t Forget, your inner voice might not always be right immediately but it will always be right eventually if you listen to it long enough.
Someone Is Coming To Save You
This is an idea that has been socialized into women from an early age. As babies, we learn to manipulate our parents. We learn that if we cry for long enough, our parents would come and respond to us. Then, as we grow older, we watch Disney movies and see a knight in shining armor coming to save girls that look like us. All this programming does is perpetuate the feelings of helplessness in young women and girls.
The Damsel in Distress is a plot device in which a female character is placed in a perilous situation from which she cannot escape on her own and must then be rescued by a male character. We see this in a lot of Disney movies, the Mario brothers, Snow White, Cinderella, etc. These ideas were built around adolescent male power fantasies and have made their way into the cultural zeitgeist.
Why is this harmful? Because it teaches women not to act as agents in their lives. It breeds learned helplessness and passivity in the lives of women who hope to be saved one day. It also teaches women to reduce themselves to objects of desire for an imaginary male protagonist. This idea also disincentivizes women from going through the struggles and strife needed to become heroes in their lives.
The reality is that no one is coming to save you, you are going to have to save yourself. You are the captain of your soul and you will need to drive your life in the direction that you want it to go. It might seem overwhelming in the beginning but taking ownership of your life gets easier. Making small positive decisions in the right direction daily such as eating healthy, working out, and reading books is an easy way to get started. Your life is important and should be taken seriously. The real-life Mario Brothers are too busy trying to pay their mortgages and student loans to be worried about saving you. It is time you save yourself!
An Overinvestment in Beauty Ideals
Beauty is often the first form of power that women are introduced to. The intoxicating feeling of being admired and praised for your looks become deeply inscribed in the psyche of young women. As we grow older, we gain other forms of power such as intelligence, physical strength and artistic ability. However, the first compliment that a lot of women receive in their life is often about how pretty they look. This forces women to become deeply invested in acquiring and maintaining the only form of power that they are allowed to have in a patriarchal society.
The unfortunate reality is that beauty, as is marketed to us today, is not only built around male sexual gratification but is also a poor investment strategy for women. It seems as though we live in a society that only values women when they are sexual objects (whore) or maternal objects (the madonna). This phenomenon is not new. As Marilyn Monroe grew older, she was offered less prominent roles. Hollywood seemed to have moved on to younger up and coming actresses. Some credit this situation as part of the challenges that fueled Marilyn’s drug use. All the supermodels that dominated the 80s such as Naomi Campbell, Cyndi Crawford have been replaced by younger models such as Bella and Gigi Hadid. If fashion was merely about showing off the clothes, these 80s supermodels could out-catwalk any of the new age models. However, as amazing as Naomi Campbell is, she, unfortunately, cannot defeat time. I believe that women’s obsession with beauty stems from a deep fear of being faded into gradual obscurity.
It is also absurd that women overwhelmingly earn less than men, yet spend so much of their harder earned money on looking good for the men that outearn them. The reality is that your stock in beauty is going to decline as you age and that is perfectly fine. You do not need to spend thousands of dollars on ineffective face creams that promise to reverse the effects of time. The best that a woman can do is to “short” beauty. To short a stock means to believe that stock is going to decline over time and to take advantage of it. An example of this would be Tyra Banks. After having a successful career as a model, she transitioned to becoming a talk show and reality tv host. Today, Tyra is known more popularly by her self-titled talk show and America’s Next Top Model. If you are going to play this beauty game, play it like someone who intends on winning and short beauty.
Making Radically Life-Altering Decisions Based On Love
There is a TV show on YouTube that I am obsessed with called For My Man. It is a show about women who commit crimes because they were accomplices to their criminal partners. ABy the end of a lot of episodes, someone is dead. The wife or girlfriends of the culprit think that they will get a lighter sentence for just being the getaway driver or helping dispose of his clothes. However, often these women get the same sentences as their partners.
Although going to prison for murder might seem like a stretch, a lot of women end up doing stupid and reckless things because of their partners. Whether it is going to a different college or getting in debt to fund his dreams, women do a lot of stupid things when they are in love and no one is going to tell them not to do it. I have read stories of women who have children, move countries, quit jobs, give up ambitions all for the sake of partnership with a man. This needs to stop!
You are the chief architect of your life and cannot make decisions based on the feelings, actions, and opinions of other people. Trust your inner voice and bet on yourself. I think women over-invest in their relationships because they have this deep-rooted fear of being alone. As someone in her twenties who has stopped dating for 2 years, I can promise you that being alone is not as bad as you think. In fact, being alone has been very good! I have never been happier. If you would like to find out more about it, comment below! Trust yourself and make decisions with your best interest at heart.
Having an External Locus of Control
This concept is usually divided into two categories: internal and external. If a person has an internal locus of control, that person attributes success to his or her own efforts and abilities. A person who expects to succeed will be more motivated and more likely to learn. A person with an external locus of control, who attributes his or her success to luck or fate, will be less likely to make the effort needed to learn
I have met numerous women who firmly believe that they lack the ability to engineer their own destinies. They live under the idea that they are victims of the world around them. Instead of focusing on what they can control (internal locus of control), they obsess over the things that they cannot control. This leaves women feeling powerful and fearful of the world around them. No one is dealt with a perfect set of cards. The goal of life is to play the cards that you have been dealt with the best of your ability. Use strategies such as learning and trying new things to get more cards into your hand.
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HAVE A BLESSED WEEK EVERYONE!!!
I slipped into the "for my man" mindset last year. I run on a moral system of reciprocity, meaning I give 120% or what I'm given and expect the same back. I got him expensive gifts, excused sex which I didn't orgasm from with "intimacy," and even struggled with religion again (I'm an atheist) because I wanted to feel closer to him. I wanted to be a good girl.
He did not put in even half the effort in any of these pursuits, and I realized this when we met again after the holidays. A round of cheap gifts and orgasm-less sex and I said no more. Since then I've become much more selfish and focusing on my needs and what I want. No more 120%.
I've gotten more gifts, more of his attention in bed, and I've regained my footing on my beliefs. Time which used to be spent on my personal projects and were put aside for him is now back in its rightful place. I cannot control how he acts, but I can control how I do. And building that self-respect has done wonders for our relationship.
Remember ladies: This is your life. You are your first priority. All else is secondary.
"Beauty is often the first form of power that women are introduced to."
This so true and so heartbreaking. How can I change this for my daughter?
When I was young, I did have other sources of power to draw from. I was a great student and talented at art. Is that the solution then? Show young girls that they're good at things that have nothing to do with appearance?