Why Online Femininity Advice Is Terrible
This entire business model is built on your ignorance.
If you want to be part of a community of women that live, love and earn on our own terms, join us !
If you've spent a second on the internet, you have probably stumbled across a femininity coach. This is a woman who signals herself as some sort of authority in the dating arena. She is capable of providing unique insights to rectify your courting dilemmas. While male dating coaches spend a majority of their time bullying, insulting, and demeaning women in front of their male audience. The female dating coaches take a different approach. Some of their recommendations are harmless etiquette and grooming advice. Others are reinvented gender roles from the 1950s intended to stifle any form of creativity, personality, agency, and self-confidence in their female listeners. Whenever I stumble across those coaches, I think to myself,
None of these women want to address the elephant in the room.
What happens when a large population of women cannot find adequate life partners?
Their entire business model falls apart if they admit to the open secret. Some women, and I dear say a sizeable portion of women, will never marry, to no fault of our own.
Online femininity advice is predicated on the notion that you will find a romantic partner if you act in a certain way. And not just any type of partner, a high-value man: a high-earning, kind and charismatic figure that will fulfill the role of protector and provider. These coaches give women tips on presenting, decorating, and applying themselves to gain male attention. This conformity requires you to alter all aspects of yourself until you become the idyllic partner.
Any objection on your end means that you are not ready to make the necessary sacrifices required to be chosen. Hence, it is justified that you are sentenced to the purgatory known as singledom.
Whenever I hear this type of femininity advice, I actually hear women say, "treat me kindly. I see how badly you treat the women you do not want to have sex with, and I do not want that treatment". We forget that the way that a man treats us has far more to do with his character and what you are willing to accept than how you dress. We ignore that the quintessential 1950s domestic doyen was miserable and stifled by the social norms of that era and would be perplexed by women's freedom today. Lastly, we forget that we are meant to be doing the picking. We are the ones with the divine providence to determine which man’s genes make it to the next generation
However, the more significant problem with their advice is that it fails to account for the fact that not enough capable young men are seeking intimate partnerships. In developed societies such as Japan, fewer people are getting married, and fewer are having kids. The opposite also doesn't happen in more conservative cultures. Take Russia for an example. Although it prides itself in being a pinnacle of Orthodox Christian values, it has suffered a population and marriage decline over the past few decades. None of the femininity coaches talks about how male spaces on the internet are not discussing how to become the better protectors and providers that women want. Instead, they are preoccupied with new ways to dominate, embarrass and humiliate women.
The problem with modern men is that they are broke, porn sick, erectile dysfunctioned, balding, uneducated, jobless, and way too opinionated. How does hypergamy advice stand up to the increasing number of men in the west underperforming in school? How does advice on finding a high-value man stand against the unprecedented number of men that grew up with porn on tap that have developed maladaptive sexual fetishes from it? How do you reconcile the idea that men are the providers with automation eliminating many physical labor jobs that men primarily occupy? You cannot preach the importance of stay-at-home moms in the domestic department while ignoring that even two-parent households struggle in this economy. You also cannot preach about child-rearing while ignoring the lifetime earning losses that women when they start having children. None of these cultural trends seem to be stopping anytime soon.
I say all this to underscore how the social, economic, and financial contracts that shaped marriage in society no longer exist, and we must adjust to the new reality.
Lastly, contrary to these women's unoriginal ideas, no man is meant to "lead" you. It is weird hearing women who have built multi-million dollar businesses telling other women that men have some divine providence to lead them. In reality, the only reason men have held the reigns of political power over the past century is their willingness to wield violence against women and children. In the modern era, guns, drones, nukes, and other forms of warfare are gender-neutral.
In the words of a Mexican feminist icon, Juana Inés de la Cruz,
God would not have given us brains if he did not intend for us to use them.
To summarise, online femininity and dating advice is bad because it makes women play the game of love like losers and because it doesn't work in the current socio-economic realities. Since the femininity coaches do not offer any form of life-affirming advice, I will provide some. From my studies on the history of most famous women, this is what I have learned.
First and foremost, Your greatest moral and ethical obligation is to live a fulfilling life. This task is your primary responsibility, and it cannot be outsourced, especially to strangers on the internet.
With that in mind, you have to approach all aspects of life with the premise that you will live, love, and earn on your terms.
How this how some of the most famous women in history have done so. I have written about this before, but I will reiterate it here.
The Elizabeth Taylor’s
What do Kim Kardashian, Zsa-Zsa Gabor, and Joan Collins all have in common? They belong to a group of women that I aptly call the "Elizabeth Taylors." These women are known for their multiple marriages and divorce from prominent men. These women prioritize their well-being and are unafraid to leave a relationship that does not serve them. The have a deep assurance that life will present something better to them, so they are not worried about leaving any marriage that has run its course.
They are also unashamed of public ridicule and forgive themselves for their sometimes questionable choices in men. Finally, these women can see the big picture and signs of when to exit. So, your journey to love might not have multiple happy ever afters.
In Greek mythology, these women would be descendants of Aphrodite, the goddess of Love.
The Erykah Badu's
Apart from the Elizabeth Taylors, we have the Erykah Badu's. In their romantic dealings with men, these women have affairs, dalliances, and relationships but often do not marry. Even if they marry, they keep their marriage away from the spotlight. These are the women who have a natural zest for life and deep creative expression. Such women include Coco Chanel, Rei Kawakubo, and Elsa Peretti. They have a natural vitality and rebelliousness that makes it difficult for them to truly “settle down”. They are free-spirited and self-possessed.
In Greek mythology, these women would be similar to Artemis, the goddess of the hunt.
The Jackie Kennedy’s
These are the women that marry their co-collaborators and co-conspirators. They have firm convictions concerning their lives and only marry men that advance that agenda. Even if those men disappoint them, which they often do, the women still win because of their socio-economic and political advancement. These women often end up outshining their partners, which is unsurprising. They have this cool self-assuredness in their abilities and skills. Their competence allows them to show up and show out in the public arena. Some of these women include Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Beyoncé, Cleopatra, and Carla Bruni.
In Greek mythology, they would be represented by Athena, the goddess of war.
Finally, The Women That Remained Choicefully Single
These are the women that focus on their lives solely. They have natural independence that cannot be confined to marriage. History is littered with women that never married but decided to focus their attention on their self-prescribed goals. They will live uncompromisingly. These women include Shonda Rhimes, Condoleeza Rice, and Tracee Ellis Ross.
Historical iterations of such a personality include Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale.
If you are a successful enough woman, you can date a man half your age to keep your bed warm at night and not incur the financial obligations of marriage. Or you might be like Jada Pickett-Smith and require that your union provide you with the space to explore. There are other ideas, such as polyamory, but I have yet to meet a man on the face of the planet deserving the love of more than one woman.
I am trying to say that life becomes more fruitful when you embrace the idea that your life might move in different directions, and you ruthlessly prioritize your happiness in that journey. However, that will not happen if you stifle yourself with outdated and ineffective advice.
Thanks for calling this out. A lot of "femininity" influencers are really just "pick-me" women who can't stand the idea that women aren't revolving their lives around men like they are. They appeal to the male fantasy of the subservient woman and actively work to break down the self esteem of their followers in order to supply that male want. It's pathetic, but unsurprising.