No One Told Me

Analysing how my mother (and older women) failed me.

No one told me that love was meant to be easy: That it was the man’s job to pursue me. That love was not a circus where I had to constantly perform for a man’s approval. No one told me how to be beautiful. I don’t mean beauty in a way that makes me contort myself to the latest beauty trend or try to recreate beauty ideals that I was never going to achieve. I meant a beauty that accentuated my features. A beauty that unveiled the most authentic version of myself. A version that neither I nor the world had witnessed yet.

After my sand niggas chronicles, I am not even upset or sad when I see him around the building. I generally feel nothing. The anger I feel is at my mother and the women who came before me who never taught me how to get radical seismic love. In fact, all their advice did was set me up to be abused and used by men. All they did was tell me that it was my duty to continually tie myself into gordian knots to make that man happy. They never told me that all I needed to do was find a man who liked and loved me. They told me to not be too difficult. too accomplished, too opinionated. That it would scare the man. They never told me that a man who loved me would revel in my accomplishments. They never told me that such a man would champion my cause and advocate for me in my absence and presence. A love that doesn't just tolerate my complexities, but cherishes them. They never taught me that I was worthy of a love that doesn't just meet me halfway, but races towards me with open arms. The never told me that the man who loved me would go through difficult, almost impossible terrain if it made me happy. They never told me that I was deserving of good things. Wonderful things in fact. All they did was tell me to accept the romantic crumbs that were being served to me. I try to understand that the women of previous generations had other battles. I also understand that there are still parts of the world where childbridism is still happening. So, love is something that only a few women have the privilege of aspiring for. But this a curse that I have to break.