In Defense of Bad Women: The Sexism Of Unreasonable Expectations Placed By Other Women
Not All Women Are Going To Play By The Same Rules As You Are.
I study the lives of very successful women in history and figure out what we can learn from them. In my past case studies, I have written about Hillary Clinton, Wendy Williams and Cardi B. To my surprise, some readers decided to focus on these women's flaws and shortcomings, instead of their unique combination of gifts and talents.
When I saw women critique Wendy William's previous marriage or Cardi B’s stripper past, I thought to myself “Men will never be this critical of each other.” Vile men, irrespective of their past, can still hold the most powerful offices on earth. Some women were upset that Donald Trump could say “grab them by the pussy” and have multiple rape accusations against him but still become President of The United States. However, they fail to understand that Trump’s past actions are part of his appeal. Men love that Trump can get away with all his past alleged crimes and still be the leader of the free world.
The same goes for Kobi Bryant, a man who allegedly raped a woman. However, people on social media were willing to drag Gayle King for asking about it. The same goes for Brett Kavanaugh. We live in a society where men can cause women irreparable emotional damage but still be considered icons.
Men will never hold each other to the unrealistic standards that we women hold ourselves to. Let us revisit some of the “bad women” that I have written about in the past: Hillary Clinton, Wendy Williams, and Cardi B.
When I wrote about Cardi B, someone said that I was "condoning sex work" and sounded like a "Lib Fem." I am a radical feminist. If the woman had read the article adequately, which she probably did not, she would have realized that Cardi B’s come-up was not solely due to her stripper past.
Cardi B admitted that stripping saved her. She was in an abusive relationship, and stripping gave her the money to leave. Would you have preferred that she stay in an abusive relationship so that she would have aligned with your views?
If you cannot extend kindness to a woman whose sex work saved her from an abusive relationship and catapulted her to superstardom, how will you be kind to the young woman that got into OnlyFans and porn and did not see a profit but received all the shame? I want to live in a world where those impressionable young women can still use their talents, such as their wit like Cardi B, to advance socio-economically. If every time we praise a woman with a past in the sex industry for her talents and you hyper-focus on her past, you are looking at her in the same way those men in the strip clubs did.
When I see Cardi B, I see a woman with a gritty, unfiltered, Joan Rivers kind of humor. She has a captivating stage presence, which she probably learned from her past at the strip club. She is also a dedicated mother. Yes, she is with a man that cheated on her. However, I will not claim to understand her rationale while under the intense scrutiny and isolation that comes with being a celebrity, especially when the vast majority of heterosexual women, without her unique circumstance, still end up with lackluster partners.
In our attack on sex work and the porn industrial complex, may we never forget that some women do not have options. It is very easy to denounce sex work when you feel like you have other talents to lean on. Cardi B, a 19-year-old college dropout with a family to care for, did not have as many options as you think. May the future Cardi Bs be given the grace to grow and the opportunity to exercise their birthright of self-actualization. May these women never be reduced to situations that life circumstances coerced them into.
Now it is time for Miss Wendy Williams. The critique is that she is essentially a messy bitch with a horrible marriage. I cannot imagine a group of men ever saying the same for Maury, Jerry Springer, Andy Cohen, Perez Hilton, Jason Lee, etc. They understand that society is addicted to celebrity gossip, and they are here to provide us with our fix.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself how a 57-year-old woman can compete with ruthless, view-hungry gossip bloggers almost a third of her age? Have you ever asked how this woman was able to position herself as the top radio show in Philadelphia and force the hands of Hip-Hop artists that hated her guts? Have you ever sat down and studied how her abortion affected her and how she persevered through it all? Maybe she stayed with Kevin Hunter because she was a battered and abused woman with insecurities stemming from her weight issues.
Finally, Miss Hillary Clinton. She is another example of a long legacy of bad female politicians. She is right up there with Kamala Harris, Margaret Thatcher, Priti Patel, and Benazir Bhutto. These female politicians are all tasked with the obligation of being more moral and competent than their male counterparts. However, in Hillary’s case, she fails for numerous reasons. Firstly, she is a figurehead for the corrupt political establishment. She is a part of the Clinton family, but unlike Bill who is incompetent and could not even keep his infidelity a secret, Hillary is conniving and power-hungry. She is willing to overlook all his past indiscretions to maintain her grasp of power. Secondly, she was not as radical and feminist as young women would like her to be. She is willing to stay with Bill despite his infidelity. She probably is not as great of an “empowering” female role model as we imagined.
I watched the Hillary documentary on Hulu. This documentary showed how she suffered from two things: being born in the wrong era and being unable to control the media narrative around her. Hillary Clinton was born in a time when a woman being President of America was inconceivable. According to the documentary, she was part of one out of 27 women in the 1969 starting law class. She was part of the first generation of female lawyers, politicians, and professors. She studied family law because she was motivated by her mother's rough upbringing and wanted to do something about it. How could a woman of this era be planning her accent to public office? There is an ageist sentiment of painting her as some kind of maniacal witch.
As a woman from the third world, I can attest to the fact that Hillary Clinton was the reason some fathers in developing countries saw values in their daughters. She was radical for her time but not for the women whose futures she helped secure. With regards to her marriage to Bill, what if she simply loved this man and was too afraid to know what life without him would look like? As more women level up and seek egalitarianism in their dealings with men, women will have different outcomes. Some heterosexual women would be fortunate enough to find men who complement and collaborate with them. Others will end up choosing to remain single. However, some women will choose to cut their losses and stay with the best man that they find, even if that man is severely under qualified. Maybe Hillary was one of those women who loved a man that was no good for her.
As we study the lives of great women in history, we should all learn to separate the wheat from the chaff. Do not disregard any women just because they do not align with your already constructed views of the world. Also, some of our favorite women are not saints. Beyónce had to step on the backs of the other Destiny’s children to get to where she is. She also stayed with a man that cheated on her. However, this does not undermine her work ethic, dynamic stage performance, and vocal ability. Let us not reduce female icons to one-dimensional static figures. If you are on your quest for self-determination, you will face the same challenges that Wendy Williams, Cardi B, and Hillary Clinton are facing. You need to learn from their lives to prepare yourself.
Some women are going to be very "bad women". They are not going to play by the same rules that you are. For some women, like Kim Kardashian, Alex Cooper from Call Her Daddy, and even Cardi B, their sex lives have empowered them. That does not mean that sex work is empowering to all women but it was to them. Some women are going to be disagreeable, spiteful, maybe even evil but the goal is to learn what you can from them to help you navigate the tumult of life. Additionally, after reading this, I hope that we reexamine the lens that we view "bad women".
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Lots of women are still following the "must be a virtuous forgiving kind girl" programming that society instilled in us with constant criticism and "correcting". To be succesful in the current world you need to be as vicious and empathyless as men. And we do need some succesfull women, because they are the ones who will have the power (and $) to stand up for all women, like JK Rowling.
Honestly, the more "bad" they brand a woman, the higher the chances are that she just has a spine and refuses to bend to their bullshit.